Why is it hard to maintain kindness through the divorce process? When we find ourselves in the midst of a divorce, whether we are the one that asked for the divorce or we are the recipient of divorce papers, it can be emotionally challenging. We may forget why we loved this person in the first place. In addition, we find ourselves riddled with anger, sadness, grief, and the despair of loss. We planned our lives to be one way and now we are faced with a completely new reality. During a divorce, past hurt and pain can surface and some hold on to that pain in order to get through the process. It’s a way to detach. instead of looking at the person with compassion, we may get stuck in anger. This is natural. But it is the love that we first had when we met our partner that is essential to tap when we are in the throes of divorce.
Maintaining Kindness During Divorce
Why is tapping into that love essential? Because if we choose to come from a place of pain and anger, the people that suffer are ourselves and our children. Children learn how to interact with the world around them by the examples set by their parents. They learn how to treat those of the opposite sex when they look at how they parents treat each other. When we come from a place of anger—the result of hurt or sadness—we are deceiving ourselves by thinking this will be a helpful way to drudge through the divorce process. We also allow our children to see the “ugly” sides of our pain instead of the healthy way to work through something so difficult and challenging. Our children need both parents in their lives. There is no question about this. We, as parents, provide a balance to our children’s lives that can’t be replaced by a single parent, regardless of how amazing of a parent we may think we are. Originally, we thought our ex-spouse was going to be a great parent. This is why we chose to have children with them. Why is it that people forget that fact during and after a divorce? It doesn’t have to be this way.
During a divorce, key factors to remember are what traits your soon to be ex-spouse has that align with yours. What are the morals and values you both share that you want to pass onto your children? Children learn by action, not words. Your words mean nothing if they see your actions towards their other parent contradict themselves on a daily basis. Your ability to rise above your anger and truly tune into your pain is what will get you through the process in a more humanistic and compassionate way. Many family systems are disrupted by divorce; you are not the only one suffering. It’s important to figure out how to manage in a healthy way rather than a reactionary, “what the hell am I supposed to do now?” manner.
How to Embrace Kindness
Take a minute each day and reflect on what you have learned from your marriage and the divorce process. As the saying goes, “it takes two to tango.” Each partner plays a role in why the marriage ended up where it is. It is key to be able to take a step back and acknowledge the role you played in why you are where you are and how you can do things differently moving forward. No one goes into a marriage thinking “I really want to get divorced in a few years.” We are all doing the best we can with what we know at each stage of our lives. No one is perfect and we need to remember this when we are trying to work with our ex-spouse in order to make sure we provide the best possible life we can for our children. If you don’t access your pain, you are denying yourself the ability to heal and showing your children what it means to adapt to change in a healthy way. When you hold your co-parenting partner with compassion, you are also serving your own well-being. And this will inevitably create a more harmonious family dynamic for all.
Be kind. It’s worth it.